Can You Change Your Partner?

Hey yall! So I have a question for you…….Can you change your partner (spouse, lover, girlfriend/boyfriend, fiancé)? You met your significant other on a few dates, then the two of you decided to be in a serious monogamous relationship, then you move to marriage (or engagement), and then before you know it, you can’t stand everything about that person. What I am saying is that there are traits, behaviors, and personalities about your partner that bothers you so much that its taking a negative toll on your relationship. Examples of those bad traits are, irresponsible with money, quick temper, immature behavior, messy/sloppy, unreliable, selfish, abusive, too fat, not pretty enough, etc. How were you dealing with your partner who you perceive as difficult? I came across many people (including some clients), who get into arguments with their partner regarding their behavior and at times, they try to drag them to couples counseling to see if the therapist can address (aka change) the difficult partner about the issue. But deep down, you knew these traits exist from the time you met your significant other? If you said you didn’t know then that is a lie. People often stay in the relationship in hopes that their partner will change their ways. Oh really now, the same behavior they carried for many years, you thought they are going to change just because you say so? My statement may sound harsh to many but what you read is pure honesty. Its frustrating to deal with a difficult person but what made you decide to move forward with the relationship knowing those are the traits that your partner has? Often times, people develop symptoms of anxiety and depression when they are dealing with a partner who is not the person the other wants him/her to be. Saying “I’m staying in the relationship because I love him/her…” is not enough to justify your reason for your situation last this long . You can’t put an apple pie in the oven and expect to taste like cherry when it’s done. At the end of the day it was your choice to enter the relationship, just like you have the choice to either accept the social/physical make up of your partner or just leave the relationship. You don’t have the power to change people, you have the power to change yourself. If you can’t come to terms with the situation of your partner, then perhaps your desire to want to change people and your need to be in control is a problem for you…..not your partner. Things that make you go Hmmmm.

Angry African American Couple